G and i have worked out a morning routine – she gets up, pees, and i feel better about myself knowing i do not have to change a wet diaper but only rinse some baby pee down the toilet. It works out pretty well; she pees, i pee, we eat breakfast. Many times i don’t put a diaper back on her since i know she is empty and i may give her a bath – at the very least there is no point messing up a freshy with the slops of the morning meal.

the other morning was going swimmingly. then in the blink of an eye, or more appropriately, the approximately 43 seconds it took me to wipe the floor of the tailings of the AM engorgement, the most horrific pants-catastrophe in all of history occurred. She comes toddling back into the kitchen, naked from the waist down with poo streaked down her legs going “i’m poopy.” and then reached for me with poo-covered hands. i placed her in the tub and noticed part of a pert little baby turd in the potty, part smeared across the seat. Its a complex act of public relations trying to convince a little girl who is rolling in her own shit and getting sprayed with the shower massage that she did very good almost making the potty. Then i noticed her poo-covered pants lying in a heap on the floor, and the CSI recreation was complete. WOW! talk about getting overwhelmed by the urge, but i’m proud of my tinyHuman’s effort at salvaging the situation.

This morning was equally dramatic, though less gross. We’re trodding to the potty as per usual, and as she is slipping off her britches i turn around to see the floor covered in pee. It was like there was no peeing, then someone spilled a glass of water, all in about 3 seconds. Again, i congratulate G on her pluck and good intentions while getting the mop. A 1/3 of a banana and 10 minutes and 4 seconds of inattention later, there is a fresh deuce in the bowl and a little girl with a fistful of TP.

Maybe i need to set up some Reader’s Digest or old SIs in there to slow this down? Maybe aliens are trying to confuse me? Maybe the force of buildup in a baby’s bung can power a neighborhood and reduce our dependency on foreign oil?