let’s be Utilitarians: my daughter gets candy corn every time she deuces in the bowl. We have not been able to see the candy corn. Truth is, i’m disappointed, it would make this foulness more interesting.

There is a candy conspiracy! Bags of delicious candy corn have been getting simultaneously smaller and more expensive and harder to find off-season, which can not be explained by increasing demand, as there is no barrier to supply. Fat-ass ‘mericans would eat candy-corn or candy-combo or candy-kibble 24/7 if you kept the food coloring interesting. So why the shortage?!?!? Why is there only 1 kind of peanut butter cup? Who wouldn’t buy a bigger, cheaper Baby Roth bar? ipso facto, conspiracy!

Alana eats candy. I am still eating their Halloween candy. She is in a netherworld between diapers and Dora underpants and crisis!

Best candy-coated way to start the day: have your toddler pee herself while dropping the other kid off for school, then have a yard full of teachers and parents smugly judge how you handle it. Not one of you has a damn babywipe handy? A-holes.

Anyone got some candy? Mongo like candy.