G and I were at the zoo, going on 3 hrs, and she was getting tired and being willful playing behind a roped area she ought not have been playing behind, and giving me static about coming out.   I finally got her out of there and we were looking at the black bears.   Well, I was looking at the black bears, she was being difficult and kept whining and asking where are they ?? where are they?? I can’t see them?? I sorta snapped:   “they’re right in front of you dummy!”

I apologized.   She wouldn’t let it go.   That night she bemoaned to Beckie how I called her a dummy.   The next day she bemoaned how I called her a dummy.   Next week back at the same spot, she bemoaned that I should not call her a dummy again.   I apologized again, I reminded her that I apologized last week, and that I didn’t mean it but she was being difficult and we both made a mistake and both were sorry and we both apologized again.   Then we hugged, and she even joked about it as we watched the bears: “we’re both dummies! we’re both dummies!”

2 weeks later…2 fucking weeks later…she was upset and   tired and cranky and said intra-tantrum: “Daddy always calls me a dummy!”   Apparently this bell can not be unrung.

I always try to be careful with my words around her, to compliment her about what a smart little girl she is, what a wonderful little girl she is, yet here one deserved insult is carrying such disproportionate weight its making me sick with guilt and frustration.     Its not like she’s been sad non-stop, or we haven’t immediately and every day thereafter been sweet, or she doesn’t understand that people make mistakes, or doesn’t get testy with those around her.   Its a double standard and I have to deal with it.

All that psychobabble crap about to a child you are everything, mother is the word for god, strippers dance on poles cause daddy didn’t love them enough…they seem pretty true right now.