G has become adamant about going potty. she doesn’t actually go potty; she just takes off her pants, sits, stands and says “all done.” Then makes me put her diaper back on her. It would be cute if i didn’t have the creeping fear that we are playing russian roulette with an unencumbered bunghole and facing an impending pants-eruption brought on by the soothing thought of the potty and the sound of dripping water. Thus far i can see no correlation between this behavior and any actual pottying pre or post pretending-to-potty. She also frequently reports a stinker, a steamer, or a messy butt — also with nearly 100% false positives.

It is tempting to react in frustration, for i change enough diapers and clothes as-is. but i am trying to view this as an investment in a waste management infrastructure, and sound public works policy. Eventually she will become cognizant enough of the relationship between her hindquarters and the bowl that she will connect their usages to her dispensations.

Eventually.

i’m kinda surprised this has taken as long as it has. at her beginning, G could do 3 things automatically: eat, cry and pooh. She has since developed intelligent control over eating and crying, and in the meanwhile has learned how to:

• walk
• run
• climb, jump, and swing
• go down a slide
• ride a bike
• count to 10
• say the alphabet
• complete puzzles
• turn off the internet
• walk the dog
• fabricate her train set
• select works of fine literature
• lobby for baby-oriented programming
• exert her influence over her peers
• turn on the Prius

Seems a flaw in our evolution that controlling your poop is so far down the list.