Billy Joel – Summer, Highland Falls

I wrote the long post about Screening for Jo during breaks at work, and I was feeling very sad and melancholy. Finishing it at home, with Jo combining her sweetness with her screaming and demands for attention, I am relieved to be going through with it all. I picked Jo up last night while we were watching the TV, for old time’s sake, and she immediately began humping my head. Beckie feels much the same about it all as I do. We wish it worked out, but it didn’t, and this will be best for everyone. How much more can we agonize over this?

I had a nice talk with Andrea when I visited her house, just talking about animals and our relationships to them. I told her I felt like I need her approval, and she understood and said her last bird’s family felt the same way. She reminded me that I was 12 when I got Jo, while she is now an adult who is more set in her ways.

She also mentioned how obvious Jo’s jealousy was anytime I was talking. Yup, that is pretty much the problem. Its so sad and ironic that the very thing that motivates Jo is what is forcing us apart. The very reason I wanted her when I was young is what is tearing us apart now.

I’ve taken a lot of photos of her in the last few days, more than I have in years. I feel like it would be wrong not to have some. G has also been more interested in Jo the last couple days, likely because I am as well. Its terrible, cause seeing G marveling over a new creature gets me thinking well maybe it could work…it’d be cool to have her get to know a parrot… Then I tried to let G hold Jo and she of course snapped at G. They were afraid of each other. G then insisted I get her red stuffed parrot down from the wall and ran around the house with it going “flap flap flap.” She then sat it down with the parrot from Her Guys, and babbled on about “mommy parrot and baby parrot.”

But G also has taken to scolding Jo “back on your cage Jo” and “quiet Jo“, “shutup Jo“, or just standing there afraid of her when she flaps her wings. The anger Jo brings out of me, and the example it causes me to set for G, is not good. Nor is the snapping. I think the negatives of it outweigh the positives. Just like her parents’ situation.

I know this is the right thing, and as much as I will miss Jo, it is going to be so nice not to have to deal with her. I was thinking of a song for this post, and almost had something really sad like Springsteen’s “The River.” But this one is much more appropriate. For whatever the reasons and however long they’ve been building, we are just incompatible, and i at least have developed some numbness to it. Likely so has Jo, and her love comes out in her frenzy after being isolated for most of her day. Seeing a happy bird house like Andrea’s convinces me of it. And I do think that in that environment Jo really will calm down and be happy. Her jealousy is a burden on her that makes her nervous and neurotic.

Lately she has been, it seems, nicer than in a while. Maybe its because I have been forced to pay more attention to her, and my shortcomings have been so obvious to me that I have been too ashamed not to be nicer to her. You can see how quickly the light comes back in her eyes when you pay attention to her; what she needs is so simple. For Jo’s whole life of moves and new places and new housemates and new animals, I have been her rock. And she has been mine, in the bad sense of the metaphor. She is so overwhelmingly high-maintenance it simply defies comparison to any mammal.

I remember one of the funniest things Beckie ever said, years ago when Jo was in a snit and she was trying to calm her down so everyone would pay attention to her again. “You want to be a popular parrot.” I hope this breakup will help her achieve that. If Jo is being nice, she is a great animal and she gets everything she wants. I wanted for my own soul to keep her for her entire life. But that is the only compelling argument, and amidst all the unhappiness and screaming, its just dust and air.

There is no going back for me, only if Andrea changes her mind. We know how continuing on this path will eventually end up – with Jo knocked dead from one-too-many screaming fits. I challenge anyone to take that abuse day after day after day and not go a little crazy themselves.

I’ve posted only sweet videos of Jo here. They do not do her justice, they do not show her horrible side. I have a few of those saved, so I never forget. Its the only thing that will keep me from going crazy when I realize she is gone.

Fuck it, here it is:

Now I’m in the office with her on her stick. She is being sweet; there are no distractions and she is next to me. I want to hold her, but I don’t. I am watching the clock, with eagerness and with dread. Its like when we had someone coming over to put Tsaina down when she was dying of cancer.

When Andrea came over, Jo was being sweet and sour. We didn’t talk for very long. After Jo was packed in the carrier and ready to go, Andrea offered me the $100. I had not mentioned it that morning, or this evening. I didn’t take it – at this point, either I trust this woman or I don’t. I have seen what her and her family and her house is all about. I have seen her business.

I told Jo I was sorry it didn’t work out, and that part of me still loved her, and she was getting a fresh start. I told her to be the best parrot she could be, to be sweet, to be a popular parrot.

Goodbye Jo.