Trying to place Jo has been agonizing. I’ve had 5 people over to meet her, talked to nearly 10 on the phone, and had upwards of 30 emails. They are nice and crazy and sad and greedy and kind and flighty and depressing and use bad grammar. There are bird people and dilettantes and scammers. Some of them are carnival mirrors of myself. They are exhausting.

I posted an ad on CraigsList as follows:

Blue fronted amazon parrot for adoption. Animal is 25 yrs old and very domesticated, been in my family her whole life. Free to a good home that has experience with birds. Email first with a short description of your experience with large birds. No one without experience with large birds will be considered. Interview and screening required for adoption.

The nuts or the trash or whatever you want to call them are easy to weed out. They can’t type and can’t spell and ignore completely all of the above requests, and i don’t even bother replying. Any response that says simply “How much?” gets deleted.

Some once had a parakeet, and want a free upgrade. Some want to replace a bird they lost. Some I do not know what they want since their emails are full of pronouns without antecedents and stories I give up trying to follow. There was a disabled 30-yr old vet who was stuck at home all the time, and i felt really bad turning him down, but he had no parrot experience. Some had a parrot once, but are so poor they can’t afford the adoption agencies’ $350. Some I ask well how do expect to deal with a vet and a cage and they do not reply. There was the guy who really sounded nice and wanted a bird but couldn’t afford one with a new baby on the way. I asked him how he felt about a new bird and a new baby. He did not reply. There was the woman with 8 birds, 4 of them large, and many sheltered from rescue agencies. She canceled her visit to my house an hour before, because her husband would not allow her to put up a $100 deposit.

It really gives weight to the phrase “put your money where your mouth is.” It is a deposit, on an animal that will live 30 years, and you blather on about how you love and care for animals, how skeezy CraigsList can be, yet people still balk at this! Its hard not to judge anyone, or doubt their hearts, when you beat your animal on bad days. But some people are just cheap motherfuckers! The fact that Jo is rare and tame and beautiful and worth $1,000 from a breeder adds baggage to the situation neither of us anticipated; even if the money means nothing to me, it creates this cloud of potential mixed motivations that i must protect her against. I’ve tried to look at the deposit as a means for forcing some rigor and structure onto this situation in a manner that will give Jo the best chance at a good home. There is no denying that making someone prove they want this bird, and seeing that they can afford to share their lives with her, is a step towards assuring her future well-being. Let emotions guide your decisions, but let reason make your decisions.

Each person who’s come to meet Jo has drained me. You can tell so much about a person by how they communicate and interact with strangers. By the time they get an interview, they’ve proven to me they can return phone calls and keep an appointment, which is apparently not an easy skill, and they had parrots either currently or in their past. I have a pretty good idea with each of them that I’d give them Jo if things work out. Then I’m forced to assess their lives in the most non-judgmental manner i can, trying to envision them providing one-of-many possible good homes for Jo though all of them break my paradigm, all the while watching them interact with Jo, interviewing them about their history and their motivations and their plans and their future, while they decide if they like Jo. Then I have to remind them about the deposit, to see what they do. If there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Jo convincing them she is wantable is the easy part. Some grooming, a shower, make sure she is in a good mood and a pretty good meeting is a given. They wouldn’t be here if they didn’t want a bird, and she can still shake her moneymaker. Them seeing she is normal and healthy and mostly so am I probably is reassuring. At least I hope it is. I hate having strangers over to our house, CraigsList is ok, and i’ve talked to these people by the time they visit, but you just never know what stranger’s visit my result in a robbery down the road.

I may know everything about this bird, but there are so many things I do not know about birds. Each of the interviews has taught me things about parrot ownership. I learned to quiet Jo by putting her on the floor or by holding her at your waist, and how to spot her cage aggression. One woman said its important birds are raised by multiple people so they don’t develop a fixation; that would have been useful knowledge 26 years ago. How to move and how to calm a bird are things the 2 best candidates showed me, the only 2 who were comfortable picking Jo up, the only 2 i really felt would make good homes. Things I had never known, or long forgotten, or ceased to care about. My mistakes and failures are laid out before me like evidence for the prosecution.

They all want to know why I’m rehoming her, and I have to be honest. Its a fair question, and just like I can smell it, I know they too will sniff out any bullshit. I tell them about how we’ve grown apart, how her obsession is the root of our issues, how i have changed. They are all plausible answers, but they need it proven. They need to see that Jo can still be sweet, so I scratch her and hold her and put her on my shoulder. I share memories of times past, things I have not thought of in years that have been buried beneath the 10 years of dysfunction. giving Jo her own dinner dish at our table growing up, going to Pauly’s Island with Beckie and Margrette and Jo making the whole trip on our shoulders, driving with her cross-country, the poopy dance where she would hop around to tell me it was time to put her down or just hold her over a garbage can or out the open door of a stopped car cause she didn’t want to crap on me, sleeping with her on my shoulder, parties where everyone took her picture, the ladder I still have that I built in woodshop when i was 12. So many faded memories, that once she’s gone will fade for good. It does not make things any easier, and the still-powerful connection we have and our memories make me think for a second this is all wrong and we can still make it work.

I feel exposed and vulnerable, and the need to receive forgiveness from these people. I desperately want them to understand my pain, thinking it will help them give me honest information and guarantee a good home for Jo. It sorta does, mostly it helps me see their reactions and their experiences. Mostly they don’t care, they want a new bird.

In a way I am glad its taken so many interviews. Its made me better at this, which means i can find Jo a better home. The first 2 decided against adoption, and it was for the best, they each were flaky and sent up some flags that I have avoided in other candidates. I have changed my ad and changed my questions and my expectations, and in seeing the continued responses after a month I’ve realized I don’t need to settle on the first person who wants her. Each interview has gotten more promising. At first I thought Jo had to go to a home where she would have one loving owner, but then I came to think what she really needs are bird people. Just like I can not pass by a dog without scratching it and connecting, there are people who are bird lovers. The noise and the mannerisms and all the rest of the crap flows off these people. One woman was not the least bit concerned when Jo snapped at her as she tried to pick her up; she had 2 birds and volunteered in a pet store. These people have arranged their lives to spend time with their birds, much like I used to with Jo. Their behaviors, whether by design or by coincidence, work better with birds. They want to have parrots.

Its been good to meet some of these people. Their desire for birds highlights what is lacking in me. They have their cages in the main part of the house, they have other birds around, they spend time with the birds every day, they feed them a variety of items, they have colorful toys and play areas. They move slowly and speak in quiet voices. They are patient and content to give the birds their time. They are softer and smaller and more flexible in contrast to the rigidity of their parrots. They want their birds.

I am not these things, and I will not change. Every time I’ve tried, its worked for a while but its ultimately continued along the same downward spiral, because I fundamentally do not want to change and am not a bird person. The small compromises I am willing to make are not enough. Changing to keep Jo would involve a monumental re-arrangement of mine and Beckie’s behaviors and house; neither of us want that. Jo does not compromise.

All rational arguments are for giving Jo away. We are both miserable. Neither of us will change. There are better lives out there for both of us.

I finally found a woman whom I like, and who wants Jo in return. At first she struck me a a little goofy on the phone, but its just that she is a very sweet nice person and that was her way. How do I come across, I have to ask myself? She got my info from a member of the Fountain Hills Bird Club, who’s President contacted me via my CraigsList ad and offered to forward an ad to her group. I was relieve to be dealing with someone not from CraigsList, and with enough free time and normalcy to be a member of a club. Her name is Andrea, we had a good discussion, and she was very responsible in emailing and phoning me – nothing crazy, but just a normal person who didn’t get my radar buzzing. She used Mapquest to find my house, with the help of her GPS, and brought her 14-year old daughter along for the meeting. None of these things means anything necessarily, but they help paint a picture of someone who is normal, modern, connected, and stable enough that her children’s input and participation with their pets is significant. It was a surprise, but actually quite reassuring that she would bring her daughter with her to meet Jo. It shows the family will be involved, and if she is a scammer, she’s done a remarkable job teaching her teenager how to con as well. Andrea is a nice, small woman, with a quiet Mid-Western disposition. She is emotively small, and gentle, and it was obvious that Jo responded to her. She has 4 other large birds, most of them adopted, and clearly knew how to handle a parrot. She emailed me the next day saying her family wants Jo, and she provided a plan for how to introduce Jo to her family. We discussed Jo’s cage, a point of contention for some candidates who felt it should come with, and she not only prefers one of her existing ones, but felt guilt about taking it since she knew it would fetch quite a nice bit of money for me. She is a single mom, but has her own business; she recently adopted another bird 6 months ago. These last items are the only concerns, but at some point I have to acknowledge “the perfect home” is unlikely to be found. Mine certainly isn’t.

Andrea emailed me today, expressing concern that if I brought Jo over, she might associate me with the change and never get a fresh start, and suggested it be better if she picked Jo up. I agreed, but still wanted to see her house. Its hard to convey that to someone without sounding like a judgmental dick, but Andrea was very gracious in understanding my need to make this request. So I drove over and got to meet her other birds, son, and 3 dogs. Its a busy house, but very well setup for birds, and clearly a very connected family. Almost the entire kitchen is dedicated to cages and stands, they are clean and colorful and full of toys. All the birds were calm too. It sealed the deal for me.

I feel good about this woman and everything I have seen from her. I hope I am making the right decision.