I watched Into the Wild tonight. It was ok, but fundamentally the film could not capture the beauty of the book, imo. I just got tired after 2.5 hours, I don’t know why as the scenery and Emile Hirsch were excellent, but something about the book and the way is swirled you round into the predicament like peeling an onion resonated deeply. It sucked you in. When the author Krakauer talks about climbing an ice column, and his own fears, it connects you to the 3rd-party character of Chris as if a narrative. The movie tried, and its attempt to delicately portray the protagonist was well done, and maybe without the book, I would have loved it. I certainly would suggest watching it in any case, you could do a lot worse. The story is utterly compelling, for when Chris walks into the wild he feels and we believe that the moment is a logical extension of the moments before, this decision is follows holistically from past decisions and actions, that he is ready…sorta.

And such is a perfect summary of my current situation, in both work and play.

The other day in my cube, I had 4 very very brilliant developers each of whom I respect and enjoy working with arguing passionately about a coding algorithm. I believe the average IQ in the conversation was 160 at least, and the group was arguably responsible for at least 25% of the programs in our company. I just tried to hang on and not run my mouth so people wouldn’t realize how dumb I am.

The other day, I rode all of 24th St. It was not without dabs and repeats, but it was all rolled and without a crash. I launched into it at 6:45 with the setting sun after a stressful day at work – just a fun little downhill to relax me at the end of the day.

I find myself working closely with people who have 50 reports, who are The Alpha-Geeks upon which a major company is built, who add value to our world as only very special and creative and skilled people can. I am contributing to products that millions of people may touch and millions of dollars will pass through. People listen to what I suggest, and come to me for answers.

I wear pads almost every ride on the Heckler. And the things I am riding have become notable. My last crash was in March at Milagrosa, and relatively speaking was not that bad. But I am playing at much higher stakes now, and the consequences of a major mistake are significant.

I feel oddly cool and secure, strangely soothed and comfortable. I did not arrive here by bounds, but by 10 years of hard work and aggressiveness and hunger and joy and curiosity. I believe in myself and my experience, my conservative approach and reliance on best practices. I gather confidence from my track record, i have faith in my methodology, i trust my decision-making. Yet when i look down i get dizzy, and feel exposed and naked and standing on vapor. How did I get up here? Why are you following me? I am faking my way through this out of desperation not to crash!!!

If no one sees you panic, are you afraid? If no one sees you fuck up, did you succeed?

Who wants to just punch a clock and ride an easy trail everyday anyway?