my first day in the gym in 2+ weeks i discovered how weak my left side still was. Lifts I could single leg 100, 140, 200 lbs and was used to pressing 500 i could barely handle 80.   I fell on my face trying to do a lunge. 20lb quad curls made me remember everything i hate about hard lifting and having to improve, its been so long. This back ailment has been vetted – its officially an injury.   My expectations must also change, as I thankfully can not remember the last time i was really good and hurt.   Maybe 2004 when i broke my thumb. Thumb? A thumb is nothing, i did freeweights in a week. i give my grandmother a foot massage. have you ever sucked dicks for coke? That is what my back pain is. I can’t tell whether to see it as progress or regress when i can squat 80lbs 10 times.

Hard work and return to normalcy are the only benchmarks i have anymore. So i talked myself into a morning ride on National, desperately needing to get a fix and test my leg.   A week prior i was curled on the floor, a week of focus, ice and stim had me feeling almost normal.   Except for the unshakeable truth coming off the machines, that i kept forefront every section i had to do more than spin.   There were so many spots i own that pwnd me. I was good about knowing the limits, riding with 1.5 legs, and still moved up Javalina quickly, up Mormon quickly. Ironically, each of the other 3 guys on the ride had some sort of coffee-shits or fatigue or balky knee to deal with, and it prevented me from wallowing.   At the top of Javalina I said that if I make it past Widowmaker i might make BV.   My leg buckled on the descent on 2 feet of air, but seriously? What was i gonna do? go ride the trainer more? this wasn’t painful, it just hurt all over.   So once we cleared Widowmaker it was foregone I would finish the climb and descend Geronimo.   My leg hurt, got dead, and gave out on me when it should have held me up. Cenobite and Maad got a nice view of that. Whatever – 46th to BV is 1.5 hrs of work on any day, how bad off could i be if i could make that?   I rode the descent so in control is was stupid fun to walk down the trail, to reassure myself that i’m not dead yet.

Each of the last few days has felt like progress.   I forget what it feels like to see small daily progress.   Seeing it in children is no help to evaluating your own injury, and every activity and every set is evidence to be weighed.   I hate hard lifting, and there is so much of it i will have to do. I have only my prior benchmark to motivate me – no race or club or much anything in particular. I am so tired. I am glad i have a benchmark.