the most fugged-up sensation overcame me today. it wasn’t climbing National and descending Geronimo is my regular street shoes cause i accidentally grabbed Beckie’s mtb shoes instead of mine (spd vs time), though that was fugged up.

G was in the bath, for quite some time, and getting pruned and the bath getting cold but not wanting to leave. and she made a pouty face, and pouted, and then pressed on with waterplay even though we both knew it was getting lukewarm and unpleasant.   and in her expression i now see oftentimes sadness and resignation that she is not in charge but in fact subject to my whims.   and while i am a benevolent dictator…noted by 10 minute excursion to ride the toy car in the excercise room at the gym while staring at self in mirron; and also so noted by 5 minute tear through the bedding aisle of Blood, Bath and Beyond; and even further noted by the chocolate chip cookie i poached for her at Fry’s…the sense of disempowerment weighs heavy on the baby.

maybe it was this feeling that was the bond, as i have always had a very instinctual dislike of authority.   but i swear i felt like i had looked up pruned and chilly and wanting my bath not to end.   its a pretty simple feeling to connect with, virtually a motif, but still the sensation was so real…   it would be my first memory if true.   The oldest memories i have i am no longer sure if they are memories or memories of stories.   but this…i have never felt this before, but it felt like i had experienced it.   so perhaps, as the memory is more feeling than intellect, it took a very base moment to remeber it.

or it could just be empathy.