well, any ambivalence towards the big sprinklers is past.
Her self-absorption and enthusiasm were very good, my commute and a cold and the start of 3 days of single-parenthood crushed me today, it was all I could do to sit upright at the picnic table and act concerned when she got the urge to pee herself. There was nothing to be done about any of this moist dirtiness anyway once it begun, and in 105 what could I do?I knew this would end in her bonking and me carrying her back to the car; the pee was just one more indignity to go with the mud and grass i was gonna have wrapped around me while i hoofed her ass to her carseat. No point in delaying the acceptance of my servitude toward t.Human.
The bitch was she just woke up more the later it got. I finally had to drag her to bed at 10 and read a couple books through my own closed eyes, then shut out the lights, then say “sleeping. no more books.” It makes me understand more profoundly Beckie’s situation as the object of G’s obsession, but it makes me more confused by her willingness to be pushed around by G, and more worried about adding another demanding dependent to the picture.
the 202 was set to have an opening party today, so myself and Alex and Ray launched at 4:30 to get our ride in before the festivities. Tower trail is beat to $h!t due to the weather with a rut running right down the center of the entire trail, the climb was ungettable, it was insanely hot, my meltdown over the new kid was back. At least the descent was sketchy scary new fun; at one turn I had to go over a built-up rock obstacle i had not tried cause i was skidding off the side of the trail. It turned out to be quite fun! Around past the Steeple and the Cliff and the Church, out past the Tour de Backyards and eventually onto the 202 at McDowell. Not bad – an hour and half to work up an appetite. Some free food, promos, and other shwag along the highway, dodging a completely random array of walkers, bikers, skateboarders etc etc and amazingly we rode almost the whole way and didn’t hit anyone. It does make a case for the power of self-regulation, or, the visible and dense presence of cops in the crowd.
Then onto our ultimate destination: Lucky Lou’s at Power\McKellips with some of the Missing Link crowd and a keg of free beer. Lou apparently is a rider, and as such I have decided to patronize him at all times other than football (because on that he can not compete with Indigo Joe’s). In fact, I am here, now. though Joe’s nachos are better too.
Rick and Freight Train were there, met some new folks, drank a lot of beer, and even after much prodding and unreturned calls Beckie and G showed up. Beckie was all ho-humming about going out, unable to tear G away from the TV, and of course they finally go and have a great time and get FREE POPSICLES! All of us were gathered on the patio with our bikes piled against the wall, and so many other folks showed up in commuters and cruisers there were 20 bikes parked outside at least. It was such a casual environment it was quite perfect for G to run around and under and behind, in between fistfuls of french fries. A quick spin home, then we grabbed Kila for some late night down at the park. you can’t ask for a better bike-friendly family evening. In Mesa, who knew?
We came back from Rocky Point to the absence of Jo. I noticed it immediately, but it didn’t really bother me. I realized I was walking and moving gingerly, every second waiting to fend off the shrieking. It was like climbing Javalina and Mormon on the Blur again cause the Heckler’s fork is in the shop: waiting for the suspension to unjack, insead of being kind. Or the trailing edge of a sparkler over 4th of July, the awful scream of the parrot in reaction to anything i do. And it was not there.
It was quite nice.
The first day or two, every time I woke up I looked at the cage to see if I had to go shoo Jo out from under the sinks. where was she, where was she, where was she like I’d been doing forever. G asked about Jo, and I told her straight-up “Jo’s gone away. Jo’s gone to another home. Jo’s gone to another family.” She seemed upset about this at first, and I thought I saw her about to get all weepy, but it passed very quickly. She’s asked me about Jo maybe 3 times in 2+ weeks. She asked about Slim 20 times at least. G was intrigued by Jo, but more scared and annoyed than anything else. She’s taken lately to saying things like “this is my friend Kila” and “here’s my friend Turtle” and going and petting them with the greatest of care and respect. But about Jo, she only asked a handful of times. She has been fascinated lately with her 2 stuffed red parrots, and after I took Jo’s cage apart she started playing with the red stuffed parrot we kept in there – not sure if this is just having 3 similar toys, or a reaction to missing Jo. They have gotten little play in the past week.
Andrea sent me an email about 2 weeks ago, but I have not heard from her since. Its only been 2.5 weeks, and its not like I can go pestering this woman, but I sent her a brief note today asking how it was going. If Jo’s new home is good for her, then this will have been for the best. I certainly feel more comfortable and less tension in my own house.
We moved the dog pillow into the corner where the cage was. Its a good spot for a pillow. Turtle was on it last night. It looked weird seeing nothing in that corner; it still looks weird. Every time I come into the bedroom my eyes go to that corner and scan for the bright green blob and I want to say “Hi Jo.” But I’m getting over it.
I have commuted 5 times to work now. I park at G’s daycare and head straight west on McDowell – no fun, no riverbed, no canals, and with the exception of a short jog through a trailer park and a break in a fence and a McDonald’s Parking lot to avoid Mckellips – utterly dull. Its all pavement, or the garbage and glass-strewn crap in the Res they call pavement. It really isn’t dull – its a slow, mind-numbing paranoia — complete defensiveness for an hour at a time. This must be what rabbits and cops feel like, and why they are so crazy and twitchy.
I had it down to just under an hour each way on the Blur, but within 3 rides i had damn-near used up 50% of my tread. I work too hard to keep those fine tubeless wheels and pricey tires ready for real MTB action to piss them away commuting, so decided to try the Superlight. Since its only ridden to shuttle G and the rare occasions Beckie and I ride together, it was much more suitable candidate to get abused by commuting. Unfortunately, it was running a 2.25 Kenda Kinetic which for all its rolling resistance might as well be a block of concrete attached to the hub. During the hour+ it took me each way, I had visions of old Far Side cartoons where the caveman is holding a square stone as v1 of The Wheel.
Very aggravating.
I’m not sure what to do for a commuter since there are so many different ways to go. I could tweak Beckie’s road bike or the Superlight, which would then render either of them too slow or too light for their actual intended purposes, yet simultaneously too light or too burly for their new purposes. I could get a cross bike, but do I really need another almost-roadie? I don’t even know what a cross bike is like? Or I could get a hardtail 29’r, but wouldn’t that just be an overbuilt cross-bike that still would be slow as a commuter or bad for MTBing cause of my tire selection?
So much to think about.
I decided to go for simple at first, and picked up 2 1.5inch cross tires and mounted them on the Superlight with thorn-resistant tubes inside. The wheels are heavy and hard, about what they weighed with tubes and nobbies, but this combination should make them reliable and durable, with little rolling resistance. It’d be nice not to have to worry at all about air pressure or slow leaks. On the ride down to the park with G in the trailer I immediately noticed how much faster the bike felt – the wheels were still heavy to get going, but the rolling was so easy. The first time commuting it took me 50 minutes in and 55 home in 110 degrees – a definite improvement. I did some research and a new low-end commuter will be $450, a new mid-range cross will be $700, and building up the Superlight with new wheels and new brakes and a new lockable fork will be $400 if I am an Ebay-god. So i think I will go with the $30 solution for now, and just see how this goes.
I like having the commute to plan for, i like how alert I am when i arrive, I like how my co-workers are subtlely cowed by this and my persona as a non-lightweight at work is subtlely enhanced. Coming home sucks, but its most efficient when I drop off and pick up G, so the finish is something to look forward to. It will only get better as summer passes. $6 a trip and a great workout.
I am planning to do this underground race. It sounds like about the hardest ride I’ll have done. I really am not sure I will even try the back side of the figure 8. Chad and DaveC posted some cool photos from the first loop, and it looks like a wonderful day on the bike – ~50 miles and 5-7k climbing in aspen and fern forests, with some trails into Flag’s Inner Basin; some of the trails around Flag I know nothing about but have wanted to see for awhile now. it’ll be a Blur ride, but that’s cool. Maybe I’ll bring the Heckler for a shakedown ride the next day. I have not gotten to Flag yet this year, and committing to this seemed to be my only chance. So I will head out with the intention of doing the whole thing, and at the refill spot assess my situation and decide if 5-6 hrs is enough for one day. Not like there is an entry fee…
So, I s’pose I should do Tortilla Flats or something to get ready, especially with the Heckler in the shop and me earning a free full Sunday morning with 3 days of single parenthood. If I leave at about 4:30am, I should be back by 9. Not too many more days where I will have this ride so easily accessible.
The Red Mountain Ranch park is not longer a place to explore, it is a dojo of dominance. She climbs up slides, she does the monkey bars, she hangs off the pull-up bars by her legs, and she hops on and off the merry-go-round. Sometimes she gets it spinning and yells at me to pull her up, sometimes she makes me spin it and yells for it to stop – G enjoys bending the playground to her will.
There is her favorite slide of wooden dowels that feels like a donkey punch to the colon when riding it down. At least it does to me – to G, its a nice added feature. A few months ago she tried to climb it and promptly faceplanted, then slid down onto the ground in a heap. For some reason she decided today was a good day to try again. Except after I showed her quickly about it slipping out from under her, she starts climbing up the railing and me in equal measure, and by this technique reaching the top. This was pretty cool. After an “AGAIN!” i sorted out that I should walk parallel to the slide and have a hand behind her, and she worked her way up sideways on the soles of her bare feet several more times.
Last time , I took great pains wrt Special Tuesday. this time, I might manage to bring Beckie a soda each day. This kid is going to be a head case with rejection issues from the start.
The other morning G was enjoying a bath. Really enjoying it. She showered with me every day in Rocky Point, and gets those as much if not more than baths anymore. At least with me. The RP showers were very businesslike; a day at the beach requires serious cleaning for the stinky baby. G had some major sand in her vagina, in more ways than one. The Terrible Twos are here, and a vigorous scrubbing against her wishes pissed off everyone.
So since she was having so much fun in the bath, and I was in no particular hurry to take her to daycare, I let her go about her business. I remember growing up how much I loved baths! So much to do and play with! G is there now too it seems. I kept hearing sounds and chatting coming out of the bathroom, her tinyVoice going “help help help.” But not in a panic, she was imitating one of the adventures from Dora , this might have been when they have to save the baby Anaconda, hell if I know they all blend together. So I looked in to see her with a tiny floating dolphin wrapped up in the mess from a spongy loofah, re-enacting the plot, as it were. This went on, much like the repeat loop on the DVD player, until she finally got to cold to stay in.
I wrote the long post about Screening for Jo during breaks at work, and I was feeling very sad and melancholy. Finishing it at home, with Jo combining her sweetness with her screaming and demands for attention, I am relieved to be going through with it all. I picked Jo up last night while we were watching the TV, for old time’s sake, and she immediately began humping my head. Beckie feels much the same about it all as I do. We wish it worked out, but it didn’t, and this will be best for everyone. How much more can we agonize over this?
I had a nice talk with Andrea when I visited her house, just talking about animals and our relationships to them. I told her I felt like I need her approval, and she understood and said her last bird’s family felt the same way. She reminded me that I was 12 when I got Jo, while she is now an adult who is more set in her ways.
She also mentioned how obvious Jo’s jealousy was anytime I was talking. Yup, that is pretty much the problem. Its so sad and ironic that the very thing that motivates Jo is what is forcing us apart. The very reason I wanted her when I was young is what is tearing us apart now.
I’ve taken a lot of photos of her in the last few days, more than I have in years. I feel like it would be wrong not to have some. G has also been more interested in Jo the last couple days, likely because I am as well. Its terrible, cause seeing G marveling over a new creature gets me thinking well maybe it could work…it’d be cool to have her get to know a parrot… Then I tried to let G hold Jo and she of course snapped at G. They were afraid of each other. G then insisted I get her red stuffed parrot down from the wall and ran around the house with it going “flap flap flap.” She then sat it down with the parrot from Her Guys, and babbled on about “mommy parrot and baby parrot.”
But G also has taken to scolding Jo “back on your cage Jo” and “quiet Jo“, “shutup Jo“, or just standing there afraid of her when she flaps her wings. The anger Jo brings out of me, and the example it causes me to set for G, is not good. Nor is the snapping. I think the negatives of it outweigh the positives. Just like her parents’ situation.
I know this is the right thing, and as much as I will miss Jo, it is going to be so nice not to have to deal with her. I was thinking of a song for this post, and almost had something really sad like Springsteen’s “The River.” But this one is much more appropriate. For whatever the reasons and however long they’ve been building, we are just incompatible, and i at least have developed some numbness to it. Likely so has Jo, and her love comes out in her frenzy after being isolated for most of her day. Seeing a happy bird house like Andrea’s convinces me of it. And I do think that in that environment Jo really will calm down and be happy. Her jealousy is a burden on her that makes her nervous and neurotic.
Lately she has been, it seems, nicer than in a while. Maybe its because I have been forced to pay more attention to her, and my shortcomings have been so obvious to me that I have been too ashamed not to be nicer to her. You can see how quickly the light comes back in her eyes when you pay attention to her; what she needs is so simple. For Jo’s whole life of moves and new places and new housemates and new animals, I have been her rock. And she has been mine, in the bad sense of the metaphor. She is so overwhelmingly high-maintenance it simply defies comparison to any mammal.
I remember one of the funniest things Beckie ever said, years ago when Jo was in a snit and she was trying to calm her down so everyone would pay attention to her again. “You want to be a popular parrot.” I hope this breakup will help her achieve that. If Jo is being nice, she is a great animal and she gets everything she wants. I wanted for my own soul to keep her for her entire life. But that is the only compelling argument, and amidst all the unhappiness and screaming, its just dust and air.
There is no going back for me, only if Andrea changes her mind. We know how continuing on this path will eventually end up – with Jo knocked dead from one-too-many screaming fits. I challenge anyone to take that abuse day after day after day and not go a little crazy themselves.
I’ve posted only sweet videos of Jo here. They do not do her justice, they do not show her horrible side. I have a few of those saved, so I never forget. Its the only thing that will keep me from going crazy when I realize she is gone.
Fuck it, here it is:
Now I’m in the office with her on her stick. She is being sweet; there are no distractions and she is next to me. I want to hold her, but I don’t. I am watching the clock, with eagerness and with dread. Its like when we had someone coming over to put Tsaina down when she was dying of cancer.
When Andrea came over, Jo was being sweet and sour. We didn’t talk for very long. After Jo was packed in the carrier and ready to go, Andrea offered me the $100. I had not mentioned it that morning, or this evening. I didn’t take it – at this point, either I trust this woman or I don’t. I have seen what her and her family and her house is all about. I have seen her business.
I told Jo I was sorry it didn’t work out, and that part of me still loved her, and she was getting a fresh start. I told her to be the best parrot she could be, to be sweet, to be a popular parrot.
