Superbowl Sunday

Damn, I’m good.

really.

Dennis Miller, Tony Kornheiser…I can crush them both, easily, even if they double-team me.   Bet on me for fantasy-league fantasy-league.** I’ve been heckling a long time, I can win over or initiate bedlam at any bar or party with a flick of the finger.

the genius of my art is knowledge of the game, no fear, spontaneity, and a high BAC.  Brushing up at urbandictionary.com is a plus. I’m not gonna be one of those candyasses in denial; i am funny, but I am really funny with a few beers and a tight game.   its ok, I’d give up my liver to have a contract on MNF.   I can take funny pics, cause the moment remains.   But the heckles disappear on the party-hat-infused breeze.   Suffice it to say they were as good as the food. Seriously! Can i get a witness? Don’t even get me started on The Who.

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I’m amazed at how a slow broil leaves only the sweetest richest flavor in a jalapeno.  and a Superbowl ad taught me that vinegar will cure sting ray bites. Armed with this knowledge i am ready to face bubonic plaugue, radiation poisoning, and the zombie virus. I must have missed the Tim Tebow ad. Bacon and cream cheese after a lot of salsa and salsa verde convinced us to leave fajitas for Monday, but provided a nice pork-flavored drizzle for the veggies.

The pre-game of Pass Mtn to NRA to Pink Park set the mood.   For me, at least.   No one else but G made it to the end, and she cheated.   Great game, amazing display of nip-tuck football, based on how few penalties and how few big plays and how few hits on the QBs. I invented a system for the chaos in my fridge – start all beers on one level, and as the day goes on, restock warmer beers on adjacent levels, then work along the axis of replacement. Can’t go wrong – freshman year of college there was a single uninterupted path that led from Prospect Street to my hallway, got home every time. The only trick is remembering if you are moving right to left, top to bottom, bottom to top or left to right.

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** Each metaheckler selects a heckler, much as hecklers select players. Score +1 when your heckler wins an argument or votes with the majority on a call, -1 when your heckler loses an argument, and +3 if he or she wins the Fantasy League. Metahecklers may also be hecklers, but it is not permitted to choose yourself in Fantasy League Fantasy League.

The value of stuff is inversely proportional to the pain in the ass of moving it

my old TV is worth exactly $100. nice, flat screen 36inch tube TV.   150 lbs.   I dont even want to take it to my beach house to replace the really shitty tv there, cause i dont want to carry it up the stairs   (though in my defense, they are very steep and very narrow).   When I was researching how to price it, I could not find any big tube TVs at circuitcity.com or bestbuy.com or crutchfield.com.   A guy bought it, practically crapping his pants with glee, that he was getting a nice big TV cheap.   I helped him get it into his Expedition, i guess he had help getting it out.

I carted Ludwig Wittgenstein’s Philosophical Investigations around for 22 years. I read it once, freshman year, and could not remember what it was about.   I had to read Wikipedia to be sure I didn’t want to keep it.   By pitching Ludwig I am abandoning something, but its not his influence. Hauling Ludwig around imbued him with value. That value was imbued by professors who understood him far better than I ever didn’t,   and who imbued in me a desire to impress them by collecting their valuable books.   I have no idea why Ludwig was valuable to me; it was surprisingly easy to leave him in a worn cardboard box on the curbside of the Goodwill store, along with David Hume and Friedrich Hegel and a Java 1.2 guide . The Goodwill guys didn’t give a crap enough to greet me, they left a pad of tax receipts on the wall for me to tear off.   What some call one of the top 5 philosophy works of the 20th century, and assorted other works, netted $50 in tax writeoffs.   Ludwig will hopefully find his way to the $.50 bin somewhere.

I have baby things that are beautiful and inspiring and kept our baby safe and close and secure and full of the smiles of a newborn child, and i can not get $20 for them.   I can list them on Ebay and with fees and shipping net $18, or deal with some asspod on Craigs List and get $14.   They all found good homes with friends of friends and the IT guy who fixes my constantly-broken laptop, and they made me gush with well-wishes for the new parents, somehow drilling into an estrogen source i did not know i had.   A nearly brand new humidifier that we bought for $45 before G was born and used twice I reaped a windfall at $25.   An extremely-dusty but otherwise-perfect car cover will be sent back to Nashville in Bette and Bob’s dirty laundry.

The prospect of moving forces you to cull, to really evaluate just what to keep.   for those of you following, the move has blown up, yet again. I am becoming like Brett Farv (spelled incorrectly, as a sign of disdain) with my constant “we’re moving, we’re not moving, we’re playing for the Jets” bullshit.

The culling is not limited to stuff.   Habits, patterns, fears, confidences, memories and skeletons.   The books, the pictures, the mollies in the drywall and the spunk on the garage floor: the things you can’t remember why they made you smile or pang with regret without those things – off they go.   It hurts immediately, then its very liberating.   You are your past completely, and not at all.   Sartre said that, basically.   I kept him.

A buffer of happy consciousness, a spot-checked memory, a plastic bubble with a warm blankey, a plan for a path to follow. A manifestation of the will, as Nietzsche would say. I kept lots of Nietzsche. I don’t see anything wrong with it, self-improvement of the mind and the soul and the capacity for nimbleness. Code review. Wisdom. I need the strength if I am throwing myself into change. And its always changing.  I am getting an epoxy-painted garage floor first thing when we finally move.

Jo’s ladder – 8th grade woodshop, 1982
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Con Names

Penelope:   So this is all like fuckin ‘whatever’ to you.
Bloom: I usually drink with Bang Bang in the snack car, play cards.
Penelope: With who?
Bloom: Mrs. Yeungling. That’s her smuggler nickname.
Penelope: That’s offensive.
Bloom:   I think if it were offensive to her, she’d let us know.

— The Brothers Bloom, 2008

G filled Kila’s bowl to the brim, so Kila wouldn’t go hungry. Alana loves dumping Kila’s bowl. The instant it makes its distinctive clang on the kitchen tile, and long before an old bored dog gets hungry for more kibble, Alana sprints towards it like Kila when she was a puppy.   And its full to the brim.   What are the odds?

Alana is just tall enough to pull things off G’s table, which is just small enough for a littleGirl to sit at.     Hmm…the irony.

How do babies instinctively know all the important buttons and remote controls and broken glass and poison and bike grease and blackberries that they must not touch?!?! Why do littleGirls leave cameras at knee-level, forks on the floor, break dishes, scatter coins, and drop foodstuffs that stain unbleachably?   Its like a plot against me.

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If you can’t spot the sucker in the room, its you.   My children need con names.

The Gnardruple

A new route up a different pass in the McDowells has gotten bikable.   Supposedly buff and steep and full of switchbacks up to a boulder garden, it offered another 1000 vf, a step up for the Quad Bypass, and the removal of the thoroughly inelegant climb up both sides of Windgate (which, for the record, sucks ass).

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From the first mention of the new route, my ego could not handle a step backwards.   It would demarcate the beginning of my decline and fall, trampled under the tinyFeet of children.   Talking shit to yourself about what a hot rider you are only goes so far.       Oooh aahh, you were a pretty good Ultimate player once upon a time. Oooh aahh, you finished the Crazy 88, twice. That was 6 months and half Alana’s life ago, after which i have inexorably deteriorated into a weary drunk fat sack of crap.   Something clicked after the holidays,   I needed a change from feeling beaten down and giving in to indulgences, and this ride became a referendum on my ability to grow old with my children.

*POW*

Didn’t see that coming.   and i so cleverly left myself 29 days to prepare for such a soul-evaluating test.     People “who are experts” tell you that if you are living out of balance, you are a willing victim:   you are controlled by the evil alcohol or food or drugs or sex or gambling or internet or drama or chat room or job, but you have enabled them.   Their diagnosis — their value-add — makes you feel worthless and broken, which makes you either hate them and be “in denial“, or become even more self-loathing.   Both reactions validate their purpose, the Shame Training-Industrial Complex.   That will be $125, please.   I chose neither response; I found a mindset that let me be me and be at peace with my parental responsibilities.   And cleverly left myself 29 days to do it.

I crammed a couple good XC rides, a couple road bike rides, a lot of gym time, and a lot less beer and coffee.   Is it belittling to yourself to think a 7 hr, 8k day will be a reflection of your lifestyle’s sustainability?   Is it self-aggrandizing?   What kept me believing I’m not crazy is Beckie running the Lost Dutchman marathon in 2 weeks, after training alone, on the treadmill.   She has one muthafuggin deep dark Pain Cave. My training ultimately was its own reward, the change i needed. I was very relieved to find how familiar it felt once i fell into it, how monastic i was able to be in contrast to my recent gluttony.

According to Bob, I was responsible for the instantiation of Tom’s Thumb as the first pass becoming a reality. Maybe, whatever, I dunno. I posted it up to some friends on FB, then on mtbr, and then picked up a dude in the Bashas bathroom and convinced him to join (which was not at all as creepy as it sounds).   I had things that I needed to accomplish, but convincing others to join my self-flagellation turned out to be the lift I needed, as I could never have set that pace or kept that kind of pressure upon myself.

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The problem with jumping on harder and harder rides is you surround yourself with stronger and stronger riders. The climb begins with 3 miles up Windgate, where I quickly slunk to the back of the pack and the mouth of my Pain Cave. I pretty much hung out here all day, turning on some music now and again, sipping on a recovery cocktail, entertaining the guest that was myself. I’m still stunned, embarrassed a little, at how fast everyone kept dropping me, all day long, up and down. Only by riding savvy was I able to keep up. As I approached every break I planned out what I would eat and drink and do, regularly getting me out ahead of the group, as the minute or 2 gained each stop stacked up.   My clothes choice was perfect, light weight layers that peeled off and never left me uncomfortable.   They were 3x warmer and 3x lighter and 3x less bulky than a hoodie – i cry for those who still wear cotton.

After 35 minutes up Windgate, the Tom’s Thumb trail descends .5 miles over a neighboring ridgeline, then climbs unrelentingly for about 2.5 miles.

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It was exactly as described – buff, tacky from the recent storms, and Switchback U.  120 degree bends in the trail repeatedly left me flopping out a foot in search of terra firma.   I got off and pushed, tried the next one, got off and pushed, rode for .2 miles, repeated.   Enel was just above me, and captured a nice representation on his blog.   Eventually I dialed into the switchbacks, and started stringing a few together.  It became fun, in a total-commitment sort of way. A half mile from the end I crested the ridgeline and saw the silhouettes   of the other riders waiting at the saddle. 1:25 moving, just over 1:30 total – not bad, especially for a first try.

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Doug is happy, and led the chase all day
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Before the ride, I posted on FB that I did not think I would survive.   Many thought I meant the ride, but in truth I meant the move.   cuz things weren’t complicated enough with 2 little girls.   I could have looked down and seen our “new” house around the corner from the Bashas.   I thought of this ride as a housewarming party of sorts, which explains why I have not ridden the McDowells since last year’s Quad, or roadied the Thompson Peak area in as long.   There will be lots of time for these rides.   I think they will be about an even trade with Hawes and Pass Mtn and Tortilla Flat and Saguaro Lake.   But Hawes is kinder, challenging you but letting you choose the terms, and full of flowers; nothing in the McDowells climbs less than 1000 feet.   I hope I will be happier; I definitely will be stronger.

The descent off Tom’s Thumb is the hardest in the McDowells, and it stamped the new route as a winner.   It is different from the steeps down Bell, or the exposure down Sunrise, or the chunks down Windgate.   There are many hard moves, and half a dozen really hard ones.   Tight switchbacks one after another that you roll up on and center, spot the line, then commit and plunge – a cycle you repeat in about as long as it takes to read this sentence.   It is one of the best XC descents I’ve ever done.

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Tom’s Thumb drops you near the bottom of Windgate and Bell.   It can make a nice ~3 hr ride up and down either peak. I like the smoother, steeper descent down Bell a lot LOT more, especially since I always climb Windgate from the west when I am dead tired (which, for the record, sucks ass).

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the view of the Sups is awesome
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Up Bell, down Bell, along Paradise and Taliesen and all the other 45 minutes of Scottsdale slogging — that which will become my pre-ride every-ride slogging — put us at the base of Sunrise. For the last 1.5 hrs I had paced myself and not blown up and targeted arriving at this point in stable condition.   Every big McDowells ride comes down to Sunrise. I stripped down and turned on the music and climbed, and climbed, and climbed.   I walked more than I’ve done in the past, but got to the top and still had legs and it still took me only about 36 minutes.   I’ve gutted out the rest enough times to know that, barring a catastrophe, the Gnardruple Bypass was in the books.

Enel bailed at the bottom of Sunrise, leaving us with only 5. Slog slog slog til the 2nd new addition to the Quad Bypass route: the Sonoran trail.   It started as a tight fun new singletrack, then mutated into a sloggy mini-TomsThumb switchback hell with one…ONE!?!…redeeming gnar move in the middle.   The payoff was a nearly-graded 1 mile descent and 1.5 mile fast roll on Dixie Mine.   Dixie Mine was plowed with a bobcat recently, and is now a sidewalk.   Adding Sonoran essentially evened out the effort of the old route.   Then we climbed Windgate, which for the record, sucks ass.

Tim, Jeff,   Bob, Doug and the Hei Hei at the top
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Cool stat: I have finished the last 3 Quad Bypasses with Bob, and the last 2 with Doug.

I dropped in ahead of everyone, and everyone still caught me.   I am a fat sack of crap, and a nutless fat sack of crap at that, but at least I finished without bloodshed.   .75 miles from the end of the dirt, hanging off Tim’s wheel, I punctured my rear badly and came to an immediate stop.   It was 2:35pm, my goal was 3, it was the last ride for this tire, so I skipped changing the tube.   Jogging in bike shoes sucks ass, almost as bad as rolling down the street humping the handlebars on a flat rear.   I got in just shy of 3, and dashed home in time to spend the afternoon and evening with my kids, drinking beer of course.