i’m a fan. big believer. practice, reps, progressions.   It eventually becomes easy and smooth, whatever “it” may be.

i’m a fan especially with G, making her do something a little at a time until she gets it regularly and it feels natural to her, and i don’t have to be some hardass expecting immediate results.   It works with Alana too – making her feed herself in her high chair, then holding her above the ground til she at least tried to put her stubby legs out underneath her, and now putting her food on the low table across the room from her so she learns to use those stubby legs and go feed herowndamnself.

G and i have been working on wiping her butt.   We’ve been working on this for what seems like a year now.   It goes like this:

G: I have to poopy
Me: ok
G: will you wipe my butt when I’m ready?
Me: ok
*tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock*
G: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad?
G: come wipe my butt!
Me: I’d love to, be right there

What the hell else am I gonna do?   This went on for several months, til she seemed to be plateauing.   She managed to drag toilet paper along her buttcrack, but not in the right places, over and over and over again,   and i got tired of her getting all disgusted and taking it out on me. Having a little girl tell you you’re doing a bad job when you’re fisting her with wadded up TP is, imo, unacceptably unappreciative.

Phase II was to enlighten her as to where the mother lode could be found, by plugging about half a roll of Charmin up her poop chute and saying “feel that? that’s where you need to wipe, sweetheart.”   It says something about my relationship with my children that 1) it worked, and 2) Beckie did not even know G was almost capable of wiping herself til about a month ago.   After feeding yourself, cleaning your crack is the most important step in self-empowerment. I’m all about my children being empowered, and me being lazy.

Progress and positive reinforcement are invigorating to G, and this was no different. 3 days ago, she was so happy at her success, elatedly showing me each less-disgusting hunk of TP in succession. She said “its like riding my bike without training wheel, every day we practice!” Awwww…so sweet, except for the toxic smell.   How does a little girl’s insides get so stinky?

Today for the first time she completed the entire process by herself, without me even being in the room.   I was amazed, impressed, overjoyed! I had to go check it out.   Indeed, her butt was clean, her hands were clean, and I did not have to imitate a proctologist.   There were skid marks on the bowl, the sink was covered in water and blobs of soap, and as I found out when I sat on the throne, she had used up the roll.   This is progress.