lately i can not escape the notion of entitlement. it is most focused for me in the context of riding and commentary on MTBR, and then once seeing it, I see it everywhere.
it goes something like this: the rules are X, so i can do whatever i want up to the edge of the rules, and pray-to-god for the people who i see going a shred beyond the edge of the rules. rules, after all, are rules! in real life, the edge of the rules are a gray areas that is worked out by social mores and interpersonal contact and just generally not getting so bent about stupid shit. this typically works out pretty well. But in anonymous situations, where everyone views themselves as isolated and deontological and rights-bearing privileged Americans waving the Bill of Rights in one hand and a silver-spoon in the other, this is horrible.
where is the line between what you should do, what you can do, and what i should tolerate? DUH! its right where i say it is. its an even finer line on a greasy slick slippery slope between where your sense of entitlement to do what you so-rudely-want-to-do intrudes on mine.
In a short span when conceiving this post, i encountered 5 unrelated yet completely related incidents. and it seems the longer i take put these thoughts together, the more examples i stumble across.
- coming down the saddle into Buena Vista, i had a less-than-graceful stop avoiding a hiker on a blind turn.
- in Rocky Point, a guy who had been tear-assing his quad around the neighborhood all weekend was revving his quad at 9am on Sunday right under our balcony.
- a guy cutting in line in front of us at security at the airport.
- a woman hanging her jacket over my seat in the airplane.
- a guy with giant truck, parking intentionally at an angle so as to take 2 parking spaces, while parked closely to the entrance. and whom i had seen do the exact same move just days earlier at the library.
Each situation was a rule, a violation, and a notification of the violation based almost wholly on a sense of entitlement. no one was hurt, no one would have been (and if they maybe might have been it was basically avoidable with simple politeness and conversation) yet each situation was such a glaring violation. why we have such a sense of entitlement i think is fundamentally wrapped up in the safety, liberty and successfulness of American culture. its such a noble thing to be free and independent, and we are so fat and happy, that we have to encrust each of us and our piles of stuff in brittle shells of perceived carte blanche, with prickly and acid-laden exteriors. the Mexicans in Rocky Point don’t get offended if you do a bad job parking, hitting your door on their car will probably improve their car. Americans are so quick to get so angry. when so many battles can be fought over so little, and who really knows why, the conflict is meaningless. it really becomes more about me, and about whether i shall find conflict.
i have strived as i have gotten older and wiser to avoid conflict, to think before throwing my fist into something, and mostly i have succeeded. there is a person i know from work who just bristles for arguments, he’s always involved in pissing someone off. and while he is a nice guy, he is kinda a dick, and i kinda avoid him. who wants to be a dick? but whether you censure yourself, there is still the way i am wired. some people find bother, some people sail above it. i am by nature the former, aggravated by an early training in the annoying jewish tendency of nagging about everything and generally being a pain in the ass about things. it is mostly an act of intellect that makes me avoid conflict.
Byron mentioned a speaker he saw who espoused positive thinking. It sounded hokey when he described it, but the core idea is so simple and so easy: its only a problem if you let it be, you control your mindset. It kind of smacked me in the head when he said it, cause it makes the challenge of your nature totally controllable by your alleged mighty intellect. sure you can be smarter than some idiot who encroaches on my space or who foolishly thinks i encroached on his, but can you will yourself to be smarter and happier?
I believe i can. and i believe if i can’t, then i best stop blathering on about the ability and willingness to learn being the most cardinal of the cardinal virtues, and that i deserve every argument i get. its like where Ultimate was in the late 80’s and teams had callfests all the time; the game stopped being fun because you were always arguing and it took over whatever playing took place between the arguments. and eventually it stopped because people decided to avoid the negativity. Players learned ways for resolving their issues without callfests — warn someone what you think is a foul, give him what he gave you without all the baggage, or just shut up and play.
you can’t avoid thinking someone overstepped what is acceptable, but you can keep it in perspective. the key is mindset and coping tools.
but the fact is, sometimes there is legitimacy in your sense of entitlement, and confrontation is a coping tool — politely, in measure, with words that leave everyone an escape — but to deny that someone has pissed you off and swallow the anger into passive aggression will just as surely make you miserable. So I apologized profusely to the hikers and explained how i was in control just surprised and have a nice day; i yelled at the guy after 30 minutes “would you do that somewhere else please?”; i said to Beckie quite loudly so my voice was unignorable “boy, you must be in a real hurry, huh?”; “you may not want to hang that there, my daughter is quite messy”; and then lastly, in light of finding a satisfying way short of breaking a mirror, just walking away. cause its about me avoiding conflict, not about the entitlement.
