Day: August 15, 2008

why?

/ chollaball / Leave a comment

WHY?

WHY??

WHY???

Prior to my having one, I thought this this was the single-most awful and maddening thing children did to annoy the living shit out of adults. Why do they keep asking and when will they shut their fucking pie-holes?!?!?

And now G is doing it.

Some things children do are awful, except when its yours, and you at least have the decency to keep it to yourself. This is not one of them. This is awful. Not the single-most awful thing, tantrums and pants crises are way way worse, but its pretty awful.

At first, I think i can give her a fair and succinct answer and it will satisfy her as its been doing since she started learning ABCs. A fair answer to a fair question. Alas…there is no fair answer, and there is no way to stop without hurting her feelings, and setting a bad precendent of destroying her curiosity. So I try to go right for the direct and honest answer and nip all the intermediate questions in the bud.

G: Why you going to work daddy?

Me: Because I’m a wage-slave for The Man, sweetheart.

G: Why can’t we take the truck daddy?

Me: Cause we’re saving the planet and keeping you in that fancy daycare, sweetheart.

G: Why put the knife down daddy?

Me: Cause i dont want to end up on the Darwin awards, sweetheart.

G: Where’s your beer daddy?

Me: I wish I knew, sweetheart.

You Know You Ride Too Much When…

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a thread i started on MTBR. some highlights below.   can you guess which are mine?

  • you think snot-rocketing any old place is an acceptable method of blowing your nose
  • you wear shammy butter to the office because of saddle sores
  • you look over your right shoulder to see behind instead of using the rearview mirror
  • the tip of your peepee is so raw from chamois rub that you’d really rather just cuddle
  • You only spend $20 on gas per month
  • you wipe some dirt off of your leg and realize it’s a bruise
  • you liberally massage your aching sit bones in the grocery store
  • you forget to take a shower in the morning on the random days that you drive to work
  • you are covered in so much dirt it looks like freckles
  • you can’t figure out where to put the Pro Link on your car
  • people think you’re a gardener because you are covered in scratches
  • you pack a space blanket
  • every vacation revolves around riding or a race
  • your kid lets the air out of your tires and says “Daddy will you just play with me?”
  • you think helmet hair is the new mullet

Uses n+1,2 for Old T-Shirts

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Someone…I won’t say who…but someone had a pants crisis, after a lite dinner of beans, bananas, milk and some swimming. Oh yeah, and cause she was swimming and we were hustling to get Kila out for a walk to the park, she was just wearing a post-swim dress and no diaper.

Why is it every time she goes commando, there is a pants crisis, but Beckie lets her go commando, and then I take her out of the house commando? I’ll vote joint responsibility on that one.

An even more loaded question is: what is more gross – fishing through the garbage pail at the park for something to wipe ass with, or dragging your bum across the grass to wipe ass with?

The answer is neither.

never liked that fucking shirt anyway. Green is so not my color, and it was the 2nd most-worst team I’d ever been on. The first most-worst team at the time, top of the bottom third of league in Spring ’06, first time in my life I ever had a losing record in a league. I took a year off afterward cause my knee hurt – prophetic, wasn’t it?

After a few minutes playing on the slides in the park, the sprinklers came on, and G wanted to run in them. I told her she would be cold, she said “I will be wet.” I said you will be cold, she again said she would be wet. At least I had a plan for the shirt, which was implemented about 18 seconds after she got done running in the sprinklers and declaring she was cold. I was perfectly warm shirtless with it still 95 degrees at 9pm.